My Focus on Family Life and Parenting

. . . and still win!  Expert negotiate tricks show you how.

Choose your clashes.  List everything you and Mom have been bickering about in the past few weeks in one of these two columns.  Annoying and intolerable.  Next time you’re about to flip out over something on the “annoying” list, remember what’s on the “intolerable” list—and bite your tongue!  Your mom wont know your true priorities if you throw the same fit about not getting to use the car on a random. Night as you do when she won’t let you go to prom.  Deciding what’s worth battling about in the first place is the only way to let your mom know what’s most important to you.

Be prepared.  You go into battle with pointy weapons, but you go into peace talks with good points.  So once you figure out what’s worth fighting for (number one on the “intolerable” list), start planning your brilliant responses.  Think:  Last time we fought about this issue, what was her objection?  Now think:  Instead of just disagreeing, what creative alternative or solution can I suggest?  If she said, “I don’t have time to cook separate meals for you,” you could say, “I’ll shop and cook for myself if that helps.”

Time it right.  Approach your mom when her ears and mind are open.  If you pick a busy time, she’ll say, “Can’t you see I’ve got my hands full?”  Also, don’t ambush her (like when she’s running late for a meeting) to get a quick yes.  She won’t fall for it, and she’ll be less inclined to listen next time.  Your best bet:  Schedule time to talk.

You may be telling her too little . . . or too much!

1.  You just went out with your dream guy and had the most incredible good-night kiss. You:

[a]  Tell your mom the date was “fine” when she asks.

[b]  Run into your room and start IMing your friends.

[c]  Immediately tell your mom the details.  After all, she knows how excited you were about the date.

2.  You owe a fine to the school library, and your grades won’t be sent home until you pay.  When your mom asks where you report card is. You:

[a]  Tell the truth (even though she’ll be disappointed) and ask for a little loan.

[b]  Launch into a tirade about the inefficiency of the U.S. Postal Service.

[c]  Say you’ll straighten it out tomorrow (then borrow cash from your friend).

3.  Your brother teases you about something private—something you only told your mom.  You: 

[a]  Tell her you’re very upset she didn’t keep your secret.

[b]  Decide to give her the silent treatment.

[c]  Say nothing, but resolve never to confide in her again.

4.  Your best friend got suspended for planning a senior prank at school, and you went over to her house to cheer her up.  When Mom asks where you’ve been, you say:

[a] “At Kara’s house.”

[b]  “At Kara’s house.  She had a really bad day.”

[c]  “At Kara’s house.  She got suspended today for planning a senior prank.”

5.  You overhear your parents saying the words “move” and “summer.”  You:

[a]  Drop some major hints with Mom (“Any summer plans?”)  so she’ll open up.

[b]  Confide your fears to your best friend but keep your lips zipped at home.

[c]  Fess up that you were eavesdropping and ask if you should start packing.

6.  The local art gallery calls—they want to display one of your paintings! You:

[a]  Totally forget to tell your mom until the gallery calls your house weeks later.

[b]  Run into your mom’s room and tell her the news.

[c]  Casually tell your mom a few days later after all the details are figured out.

7.  You’re starting to think about maybe having sex, and you want to consider going on the Pill.  So you:

[a]  Tell your mom that you’re having bad cramps and need to see the gyno.

[b]  Call Planned Parenthood and go to the appointment with one of your friends.

[c]  Tell Mom the truth and ask for her expert advice.  She’ll want to help.

8.  your mom models her new, way-too-tiny tankini and asks you how she looks.  You say:

[a]  “Fabulous”—then buy her a long cover-up.

[b]  “The color’s great, but tankinis are out this season.”

[c]  “Sorry, Mom, I think you’d look better in another style of suit.  Let’s go shopping this week.”

9.  Your best friend got suspended for planning a senior prank at school, and you went over to her house to cheer her up.  When Mom asks where you’ve been, you say:

[a]  Hang around your mom saying, “I know a secret,”

[b]  Run in and tell your mom right away.  After all, she would do the same for you.

[c]  Keep the secret—even though it’s so difficult.

S C O R I N G

CLOSED (9 to 15 points) You need to open up and start and trusting your mom.  Most likely, your honesty will help you earn her respect—and more freedom.  If you’re scared, just tell her stuff about your life gradually to see how she responds.

CAUTIOUS (16 to 21 points)  You deal with issues head-on, but you don’t share all the details.  Just come out and tell her what you’re thinking or what you want.  When yo’re open with her, she’ll be honest with you, and you’ll learn about her as a person.

CANDID (22 to 27 points)  You and your mom are best friends, and if that works, great!  But be prepared for the consequences of telling her everything.  One day you might regret giving her too much info (especially if it’s dirt about someone else). – Roni Cohen-Sandler

Q:  My husband always get to work on time, but when it comes to a family commitment—our daughter’s soccer game, our son’s piano recital—he’s always late.  What can I do?  

A:  Your husband doesn’t have a lateness problem so much as a priority problem  work is clearly his first priority.  Family events are treated as half-hearted obligations.  That’s what you need to talk about.  Call an open family meeting where the topic is dad’s partial presence.  Find out how the kids feel when dad shows up half-way through a game or a performance.  His late arrivals may bother you more than they bother them.  As long as one parent is there form the opening bell, and the other shows his face eventually, some kids are perfectly satisfied.

Let your husband talk about his professional demands.  Find out what priorities interfere with his being at a family event.  Once you conflicting needs are aired, compromise.  Maybe his timely presence is more crucial at some events than at others.  Your husband might make wiser choices if he were fully informed about each of your priorities.  He could also agree to set realistic arrival times so that you aren’t constantly disappointed.

Instead of stewing or complaining, you will have given your whole family a lesson in how a close-knit group can lovingly handle a family problem.  – Judith sill, Ph.D

Q:  I believe it is the duty of hosts to be polite to guests, no matter how they act.  My husband, however, thinks it’s O.K. to let guests “have it” if they disagree with or challenge one of his opinions.  He says he’s just expressing himself forcefully, but I think it’s rude and abusive, and some of our guests do, too.  What should I do?

A:  Most likely your husband lets people “have it” in conversation all the time, but you are more sensitive to this when you are the hostess.  You want everyone to have a pleasant evening, while your husband values winning the point.  At a party these goals can be mutually exclusive.

Perhaps you could discuss some strategies for accommodating one another’s objectives.  He’ll have to be willing to forgo some opportunities to prove his point, and you’ll have to tolerate more vigorous discussion than you might prefer.  Preparty compromise is a time-honored marital strategy for sharing host and hostess duties.  It makes the postparty discussion much happier, too.

Q:  My husband is a smoker.  He’d never smoke in the house or in front of the kids, but I don’t want him to smoke at all.  If I complain, however, he points out that he has made accommodations for the family and I should get off his back.  What do you think?  

A:  Get off his back.  But first ask him to update his life insurance and show you the policy.  If he won’t take care of his health, the least he can do is take care of you and your children.  And tell him that you have decided to stop nagging because you want to make his remaining days as pleasant as possible.

Q:  I’m “the glass is half full” kind of person, and my husband is on the “half empty” side.  Lately his pessimism is getting me down.  Is his attitude a habit that can be changed?  

A:  You can try softening your husband’s pessimism by reframing his every jive in a positive way.  When he makes his customary dire predictions of the future—“The traffic will be awful and make us miss the plane” – thank him handling all of life’s worries for you.  Tell him you could never be as cheerful as you are if it weren’t for him.

When you are close to the saturation point with his doleful stream, offer him a plan.   Tell him you are willing to listen to two full minutes of complaints, but at the end of that time you will have reached your limit.  Then pull out you watch.

He is unlikely to go the whole two minutes.  Either he’ll suddenly be aware of his grumbling and call a cease-fire, or he’ll feel personally criticized and sulk.  Either way you’ll get to breathe some tranquil air.

Q:  I get embarrassed when my husband talks with his mouth full when we are at dinner with friends.  it makes me want to craws under the table.  I’ve mentioned this habit to him many times, but he just shrugs.  Help!  

A:  You will find your husband’s behavior a lot easier to bear if you remember to repeat the following mantra:  “He is not me.  He is not me.  He is not me.”  Because, you know what?  He’s not you.

In marriage, much of life falls into the “we” category.  Boundaries mark those areas reserved exclusively for “I.”  sometimes those boundaries are physical—my dressing table, his workshop—but often they are psychological, expressions of our individual personality style.  Respecting each other’s distinct style, even when you don’t care for it, is at the heart of love.

You are cringing not only because you have blurred boundaries and feel your husband’s table manners reflect on you (they don’t), but because you know they reflect on him (they do), and you want him to be the best he can be.  You’ve told him, though, and as a loving friend, that’s all you can do.

Q:  My husband is as sweet as a lamb until he gets behind the wheel of a car.  Then he turns into a monster!  He cuts off other cars and honks when they’re not going fast enough to suit him.  He curses other drivers, and sometimes even tailgates them.  How can I get him to stop?  

A:  Your husband is an accident waiting to happen.  If you’ve spoken to him and he still acts out his frustration in this dangerous way, all you can do is protect yourself and your family.  Pleasantly, but absolutely firmly, refuse to drive with him.  Tell him that either you do the driving or you’ll get a ride with a friend, talk public transportation, or not go.

The person driving is responsible for the safety and well-being of his passengers.  Your husband is not up to that responsibility, and it’s time you both stopped pretending he is.

Good morning everyone.  In a married life, good manners must always be present.  When good manners are always the priority of husband and wife, the marriage will always be a great one. 

Familiarity can sometimes make you and your mate a bit less attractive to each other than you otherwise might be.  Yet one simple change—remembering your manners at home, as well as with outsiders, can be just what’s  needed to soothe the abrasions of everyday intimacy.  So if you’re pining for just one “please” or “thank you” from your spouse, here’s how to encourage him to observe the little niceties.

Q:  My husband never says “please or “thank you”.  I resent it when he issues an order—“Take these suits to the cleaners”—and then never thanks me for doing it.  Any advice?

A:  Saying “please” and “thank you” is a pleasant habit that is either deeply engrained in childhood or laboriously learned as an adult.  Your husband is an old dog who needs to learn this new trick.

We learn new behaviors by reminder, reward and repetition.  Help your husband by telling him (again) that without “please” you feel you’ve been ordered instead of asked, and without “thank you” you feel unappreciated.  Then ask him what would be the best way for you to help him establish this new habit.

For example, you might use the old, “What’s the magic word?” technique that prompts five-year-olds to learn it.  or respond, “Yes, your Highness,” when he gives an order.  Some wives tug one of their ears to signal, “Hey, I’m not a servant.  I’m a friend!”

Use whatever works, but be diligent about your reminders and lavish with you appreciation when he improves.  And remember, “please” and “thank you” count for a lot, but his loving spirit counts for more.

Our second child, who is two, has cerebral palsy, and though his intelligence is normal, he’ll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.  His 5-year-old brother keeps saying, “When Evan gets better…” We don’t want to mislead him, but is he ready for the harsh truth?

Trying to protect kids from major loss and trauma often backfires, say Barbara Coloroso, author of Parenting Through Crisis Helping Kids in Times of Loss , Grief, and Change (HarperResource).  “Knowledge the truth may be frightening, but it’s much scarier not to know.”  Explain simply what cerebral palsy is, using the real medical terms along with drawings.  That way, he can be a buffer for his little brother, which will give him something positive to do.  “Knowledge is power, and the words you give him now will be a part of his life story.”  He needs to know what his brother will be able to do (“Evan’s not going to be able to run and play, but he’s going to grow and develop and love you and fight will you”) as well as what the doctors are doing to help him.  He also needs to know that it’s O.K. for him to do things that this brother can’t do.  most of talk, he needs your humor and your optimism.

Kids are like camels. Until you get in the car.

The dreaded car ride.  When you begin toilet training it can be tempting to switch back to diapers at times like these.  Here’s a tip.  Once you’ve made the leap from diapers to Pull-Ups Training Pants.  It’s important to be consistent.  The fact is, switching back and forth to diapers can confuse your child and actually slow down potty training progress.  So whether it’s a tips to the mall, or on those long rides to Grandma’s, try not to switch back to diapers.  While success may not happen instantly (and you’ll probably see a lot of gas station restrooms), stick with Pull-Ups all the time and it will definitely pay off down the road.  Even the one to Grandma’s house.  Visit parentstages.com — the best of the web for every parenting stage.  Powered by Pull-Ups.com.